On the Dark Side with Zev

*The lights turn on in the studio*

*Standing there are Namah and Prudence*

Zev: *Walks in from outside the camera's view* Ladies.

Namah: Yes, Zev.

Prudence: Sngrk.

Zev: Ladies, please state your names for the audience at home.

Namah: This is stupid. Stupid.

Prudence: Prudence Franklin~!

Zev: Yes, yes, now, do you know why you are here tonight?

Namah: Because you couldn't afford an actual guest?

Zev: Hey! I got Terra, and she's from another Universe where we don't even exist! She was turned to stone for a year!

Terra: *Standing at a podium off to the side* Don't involve me in your girlfriend troubles, Zev.

Zev: She's not my girlfriend.

Namah: I'm not his girlfriend.

Prudence: You two are such a cute couple.

Zev & Namah: Shut up Prudence.

Prudence: Nope! heheheh

Zev: Alright. Now, Namah, where are you from?

Namah: You know very well, Zev.

*Putting his arm around her shoulders, Zev leads her back to stand in front of his desk*

Zev: Now, I need you to stop doing this, Namah.

Namah: Doing what, O Honorable Host?

Zev: Doing that. You see it's a simple thing, I'm trying to host a show without putting myself and Shroom in danger with Akira, and you're making me look like a douche.

Namah: I don't think you need help with that, Zev.

Zev: Oooh you really don't know who you're messing with now.

Namah: Alright. I'll play along with your little game, Zev.

Zev: Thank you. *Walks back to the front of the stage with her*

Prudence: *Giggling* You two done with your lovers' spat?

Zev & Namah: Shut up Prudence.

Prudence: You're so cute together~!

Zev: Alright, now, I have a question for you two.

Namah: Why should we answer this question?

Zev: Because, you'll win a prize. ... I've just decided.

Namah: What makes you think I want anything of yours?

Zev: Really? You don't want anything, at all of mine?

Prudence: ooooooooh

Namah: ... *Stares at Zev* ...

*Arms crossed, she taps her foot*

*Her tail writhes slightly*

Zev: ...Terra, what are you up to over there?

Terra: I'm just watching you dig that hole for yourself.

Zev: ...Namah, I apologize for my behavior.

Namah: Damn skippy you do. Now what's your question?

Zev: Alright. In Canada...There are three types of beaver.

Terra & Prudence: Sngrk.

Zev: Shaaaddap! *Looks back to Namah* Not true...Or false?

Namah: I'm gonna go with...False.

Prudence: Not true?

Zev: Oh my goodness, you're both right! So, you both win...You win...

*He paces around, looking for something*

Zev: You win...A trip to the fine restaurant Kelp, paid for by my Juraian All-Access Credit Card!

Terra: Zev, this is a horrible waste of your family's resources.

Zev: Bluh bluh, I don't see you thinking of any big ideas over there. I don't pay you to stand around and snipe at me!

Terra: Dude, you don't pay me at all! I'm doing this because you promised Beast Boy all of those limited edition comic books, and because your little sister kicked Slade in the nuts.

Zev: Heheheh. That's my sister! I'm so proud of Anna when she kicks bad guys in the nuts.

Namah: We know you are, Zev. Can we go now?

Zev: Yes, yes, fine. *Moves aside to let them head for the exit* You know what?

*Smacks the side of the camera, spinning it around twice before it lands on himself again*

Zev: It's a great day for BZPower Battles! And do you know why?

Terra: Because you've gotten off your lazy butt and made a new comedy?

Zev: Exactly! And also, because it's the first Thursday of Spring! Do you know why I love Thursdays?

Terra: Zev, as far as I know, you have a reason to love every day of the week.

Zev: But why Thursday, I ask you?

Terra: Because you take your weekly flea bath?

Zev: I think you must have me confused with Beast Boy. Heyyo!

Terra: Heheheh. He won't be happy when he sees this.

Zev: If. If he sees this. Now, the reason I love Thursdays is because that's when the World's Dumbest marathon plays on TruTV, and because it's Spring Break, I don't have to go to bed until the wee hours of the morning!

Terra: You know, that's not healthy. So's not bathing. And not brushing your teeth. And...

Zev: Quiet, you. Anyways, what's special about Spring is the Vernal Equinox. And that's not something dirty.

Terra: Coming from you, that's a big surprise.

Zev: The Vernal Equinox is the first day of Spring. It's when some people say you can balance an egg on its end. Those people are what I like to call wrong. It's an urban legend, a myth! Like that breaking mirrors is bad luck and a rabbit's foot is good luck and bicycle cops have "a purpose"...

Terra: ...Well, yeah, I'm inclined to agree with the last one.

Zev: I mean seriously! If a bicycle cop pulls someone over, what can he do? "I'm going in pursuit! Ching~ching~!" And then he catches up: "Alright, get in the basket."

Terra: Yeah, yeah, you made a point, don't get a big head.

Zev: When don't I get a big head over something like that?

Terra: Point made.

Zev: ...You didn't have to agree with that part.

Terra: Yes, but I took my prerogative to agree with something true.

Zev: ...Yes. Well, the Vernal Equinox is also important in that it is what our calendar, the Gregorian Calendar, is based off of. Not even everyone on Earth uses and/or used it, mind - I personally use a different kind of calendar every year. This year it's "Spunky Catgirls."

Terra: ...Sngrk. *Ducks over, shaking with laughter*

Zev: Very nice calendar. Jinx got it for me on New Years. It goes great with the matching outfits she got for us. One of our outfits has a little miniskirt, a tight vest, a tophat...And so does hers! We look so cute together.

Terra: *Is leaned heavily on the podium* Don't make me laugh so hard, I'm still recovering!

Zev: Sorry. Anyways, do you have something planned to celebrate the first week of Spring, Terra? Maybe gonna crack open a Faygo and enjoy some World's Dumbest?

Terra: Yeah, and then I'm gonna come back to your show and blatantly advertise your sponsors.

Zev: Now you're getting the hang of show business! Oop, we've gotta go to commercial break. This is gonna be a long first episode, prolly three parts. You wanna do the thing?

Terra: Sure. *Ahem* Tonight's episode brought to you by Spunky Catgirls underwear! Is that a tiger in your pants? You bet it is!

Zev: Sngrk. We'll be right back.

*To commercial!*

Lol, this is pretty funny Zev
Though, now I can't stop picturing Zev wearing Tiger panties
and I do mean PANTIES

Thanks, Ynot!

I hope I continue to please!

8D 8D 8D 8D 8D

~ ~ ~

*The show comes back from commercial break*

Zev: *Sitting at his desk* Welcome back, everybody!

Terra: Is that desk made out of mahogany, Zev?

Zev: Yup. Mahogany. Maaahogany. Maaahogany. That's a funny word.

Terra: So's Equinox.

Zev: Yeah, it sounds like some topical cream. It would probaby have horrible side effects, like how just about all medicine does and they have to say it real fast, like "Warningifyoutakeequinoxthereisatwentyperceptchanceyourbuttockswillfalloff" And I'm like "No thanks, I'd rather let the acne heal on its own!"

Terra: True, true. Wish there had been a skin cream for being petrified.

Zev: You know what time it is, Terra?

Terra: It's time for Viewer Questions, even though this is the first episode of your show and you only mentioned it coming back in passing last night on the Chatbox!

Zev: Right-o! Now, let's see what we've got here..."Dear Zev, my girlfriend loves psychological horror movies, but she's been giving me recurring nightmares, but she's drop dead gorgeous, is it a compromise?" ... ... ... *Gently drops the letter from the front of the desk* Next.

Terra: Sngrk.

Zev: "Dear Zev, How much wood could a wood - " Oh -Ai Caramba!- you. *Crumples the letter up and throws it across the stage* Seriously.

Terra: heheheheheh

Zev: "Dear Zev, what do you think of DBZ Abridged?" I think it's like Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged, except funny. AAAHAHAHAH. ... I eagerly await your angry letters.

Terra: Nice to see you're digging extra holes for yourself.

Zev: Quiet, you. "Dear Terra - " ...Huh. This one's for you, Terra. "Dear Terra, in Slade's neural suit, were those your - " ... *Gently slides the paper off the front of desk*

Terra: Things that make you go uuuuuggghhh.

Zev: Yeah. Another one for you. "Terra, I just broke up with my boyfriend." Oh, man, this is gonna be sad. "I just broke up with my boyfriend, how do you advise I celebrate?" ...Go ahead, field this one, Terra.

Terra: Well, maybe you can crack open a Faygo and watch some World's Dumbest, Thursdays on TruTV!

Zev: Atta girl! Next one. "Dear Zev and Terra, have you ever watched Goosebumps?" Yes I have watched Goosebumps, Jinx, it ruined half of a year of Cartoon Network for me. *Crumples the letter up and throws it away*

Terra: Watch your blood pressure, Zev. You know what your mommy said.

Zev: I'm warning you. *Shakes finger* Don't you talk smack about my mom.

Terra: Sure thing, Mr. Walking Oedipus Complex - Oof! *Ducks below a bolt of lightning*

Zev: Don't say I didn't warn you. *Goes back to reading letters* ...Okay, screw this.

Terra: Like you've been s - ... ... ...

Zev: *Hand is already glowing purple* Say it. I dare you. I double dare you.

Terra: Um. No thank you. *Twiddles thumbs, whistling*

Zev: Yeah, that's what I thought. ... We're out of time? ... M'kay.

Terra: I'll be busy not insulting your beautiful, gentle mother, Zev.

Zev: ...You know I wasn't actually trying to hit you.

Terra: Yeah you could've fooled me.

*To commercial break!*

*Back from commercial break*

Zev: *Solemnly plays the harmonica*

Terra: *Quietly listens to the song*

Zev: *Stops playing* ...So.

Terra: ...Yup.

Zev: Guess I really don't have a guest tonight.

Terra: Seems that way.

Zev: ...Wanna break out the props?

Terra: Go ahead, Carrot Top.

Zev: Alright! Give 'er a hand everybody! *Claps together a giant pair of white gloves on sticks*

*Next, he takes out some kind of disk of folded cloth*

*He unfolds it into a large, elliptical bag-shape*

Zev: Dude, this is gonna be one big -Winga Dinga!- butterfly!

Terra: ... *Twitches* ...Zev, you're an idiot.

Zev: You're right I am! Now to understand impotence, gentlemen, please look at the model. *Unfolds the disc into a bag again*

Terra: Pfffffff! *Slams fist on the podium*

Zev: Heheheh. I'm gonna be getting letters for that. Let's see, what else do I have here...

Terra: And here's the part of the evening where Zev slowly slips into a demented state of childish joy, ladies and gentlemen.

Zev: *Wearing a leprechaun's hat* I'm magically delicious!

*He takes it off, then puts on a longhaired wig and lifts up an axe with a skull on it*

Zev: Gondor needs women!! *Puts them away again*

*He puts on a plastic Chappy the Bunny mask*

Zev: I ghope youhh wand ah bigh vhamileh.

Terra: Gee, Zev, I don't think anyone could hear that!

Zev: *Lifts it up* Maybe because I'm wearing an -Ai Caramba!- rubber mask? *Chucks it past her podium* Let's see, what else, what else...

*He puts on a giant fish head that fits over his shoulders*

Zev: ... ... ... *Looks straight into the camera with the fish head* ... ... ...

Terra: No one-liners for this one, Zev?

Zev: Here's a one-liner: "I'm the First Prince of an Intergalactic Empire and I put on a giant vinyl fish head of my own volition."

Terra: That's a two-liner technically.

Zev: And how would you know?

Terra: Read the sub-title generator over there *Points*

Zev: *Grumble* *Grumble* *Grumble* You know, Terra, I'm just trying to entertain these people without Akira putting me and Shroom in danger, and you're making me look like a douche.

Terra: No, you're making yourself look like a douche.

Zev: Quiet, you. *Puts on a giant fly head* Date meeeee...Date meeeee...

Terra: I think that we've all had enough for tonight, Zev.

Zev: Good thing, that. Show's over.

Terra & Zev: G'night everybody!

*The lights turn on in the studio*

*Standing there are Chrome and Makoto*

Zev: Ladies, please state your names for the audience at home.

Makoto: Makoto Nanaya~! Heheheh!

Chrome: Ch, Ch, Chrome...Dokuro...

Zev: Good, good. Now. What brings you here?

Makoto: Your show, duh!

Chrome: Yeah...

*Wrapping his arm around Makoto's shoulder, Zev leads her back to in front of his desk*

Zev: Now, Makoto, I'm going to need you to -

Terra: Yeah yeah, you're the victim, everyone's making you look like a douchebag, get back to hosting the show!

Zev: ...Very well. *Leads Makoto back to the front of the stage* Now, I have a question for you. *Ahem*

Terra: Hoo boy, here we go again...

Zev: Quiet, you. *Turns back to Makoto* On Earth...What is the Capital of Iceland?

Makoto: Reykjavyk?

Zev: You're right! You've both won...A trip to the fine restaurant Kelp!

Terra: You're really sad to watch sometimes, Zev?

Zev: Sometimes? HAAAHAHAHAHAH. Get along, now.

Makoto: *Leads Chrome away by the hand* Let's get going, Chromey.

Chrome: ...Yeah... *Looks very embarrassed* ...

Zev: So. It's Friday, today. Spring Break's just about over.

Terra: Yup. *Taps finger on podium* ...You got any plans?

Zev: Nah. You?

Terra: I'll just crack open a Faygo and watch some Cartoon Network!

Zev: Heh. Heheh. Now you're just rubbing it in.

Terra: Yeah, kind of. Got any witty commentary?

Zev: No, I'm just dreading for when tonight's guests rip into my @$$.

Terra: Heheheh. You really know how to pick 'em, Zev.

Zev: ...That can't be good.

Terra: What can't be good?

Zev: When's lunch?

Terra: Whaddya mean? It's going on dinnertime!

Zev: That can't be good.

Terra: Why not? You have tons of snacks in your stash!

Zev: When's lunch?

Terra: I just told you, it's going on time for dinner!

Zev: *Walks over to her, peering around*

*He stops next to her, leaning in with hand cupped to her ear*

Zev: ... *Whisper* When's lunch?

Terra: *Bats at him* Back off or you'll find a stalactice dropping on your head when you least expect it.

Zev: That can't be good.

Terra: You bet it's not good! Now stop it!

Zev: When's lunch?

Terra: RRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!! *Storms out*

Zev: ...Heheheh. That's the Two Lines Only-game. You pick two lines, and that's all you can say until the game's over. It's fun to play it with your friends without them knowing.

*Walking back onto the stage, he takes out a harmonica and slowly plays*

Zev: ...AWCH!! *Takes a rock to the head* Welcome back, Terra.

Terra: *Scowling* Yeah yeah you're right I'm welcomed back grmbl grmbl grmbl...

Zev: ... *Rubs at head idly* Wanna do the thing?

Terra: Whatever. *Ahem* Tonight's program brought to you by the Two Lines Only-game! The best way to get a girl to play Rock Basketball with your head as the hoop!

Zev: We'll be right back.

*The show comes back from commercial break*

*The host and co-host are glaring at each other from across the stage*

Zev: ...Terra. Terra, we should do what the therapist told us to do.

Terra: Right. *Ahem* Zev, I'm sorry for overreacting and throwing a rock at your head.

Zev: Thank you. Terra, I'm sorry that you're such a little b!tch sometimes.

Terra: Zev, I'm sorry for what I'm going to do to you while you're asleep.

Zev: What time is it, Terra?

Terra: It's time for Viewer Mail.

Zev: ...Hoo I'm digging those holes deeper and deeper ain't I?

Terra: Yeah, pretty much.

Zev: ...All of these letters are from trolls.

Terra: How do you know they're all trolls?

Zev: gallowsCalibrator, grimAuxillatrix, carcinoGeneticist, twinArmageddons...

Terra: ...Point made. I'd just throw them away and ignore them.

Zev: *Already shredding the papers* Let's bring out our first guest tonight. She's a former member of the H.I.V.E. Academy and the H.I.V.E. Five, she's now a member of the Teen Titans, and there's more to her hexes than meets the eye. Wink. Wink. Say hello to Jinx everybody!

*Out comes the recently-introduced Jinx, cartwheeling across the stage to land in her seat beside Zev's desk*

Zev: Hello, Jinx.

Jinx: Hello, Honeybuns.

Zev: Only Namah and Ynot can call me that.

Jinx: Ohhh my. *Giggle* So. What makes me your first guest of the night?

Zev: Because you're a picture of beauty and a strong, independent woman?

Jinx: Awww, flattery'll get you everywhere.

Zev: Awww, you're gonna get my @$$ kicked by Kid Flash.

Jinx: Would I do that to you, Zev?

Terra: Yes. Yes you would, Jinx.

Jinx: I don't recall asking you. *Snaps fingers*

*Pink sparks crackle around the podium, before it violently tilts*

Terra: Watch it, mischief-maker. Wouldn't want the floor to give out beneath you.

*The ground shudders slightly*

Zev: As much as I love a superhuman catfight, I don't think the studio would survive, and our sh!t budget would never afford repairs afterwards.

Jinx: You got it, Babycakes. *Giggle*

Zev: So. How's it been as a member of the Teen Titans? Has it been a trade-up from leader of the H.I.V.E. Five?

Jinx: Definitely. Gizmo was getting even more annoying than usual, and Mammoth was dumber than a stop sign. *Giggle* Raven really came up with a good one there.

Zev: Have you and Kid Flash had fun together? Getting to go to Venice and snuggle on winter nights? *Leans in, face shifting oddly*

Jinx: ...Namah's really been depriving you of boyfriend-girlfriend activities, hasn't she?

Zev: *Head crashes into arms, sobbing* Please, let me live vicariously through you and Kid Flash...Please... *Sob sob sob* *Hic hic* *Sob*

Jinx: There, there. *Pap-pap-pap* *Shooooosh* *Pap-pap-pap* *Shoooosh*

Terra: This is just sad. Let's go to commercial break.

*To commercial!*

[ Date: ???-???-??? ]

*Some kind of stony tendrils have grown all over the studio*

*The desk is sealed inside of a magically-warded pillow fort, and is rippling with powerful imaginary forces*

*Suddenly, a section of ceiling falls through, and Kokonoe rappels in - dressed in skimpy magenta shorts, a black tubetop, her white labcoat, and climbing gear*

Kokonoe: *Turns on the headlamp, sweating and swearing* The Land of Darkness and Love. What a corny-a$$ name. Ur, find Zev so that I can get some pink lemonade. *Presses a button on her wristband*

*She summons three hovering drones, two smaller than the other, which form around themselves the hologram of a young woman with straight hair in a short, chic style, and a scintillating, rippling bodysuit*

Ur: ...He is within the pillow fort, and is 98% receded into a Fantasy. Would you like me to extricate him, Professor?

Kokonoe: *Storms over* ZEV. GET YOUR NARROW a$$ OUT, OR I AM CLIMBING IN THERE WITH YOU!!

*The imagination waves cut off, and Zev thumps around within; making odd whining, grunting noises*

Kokonoe: *Catsmile* Time's up, moron! *Rips the top cushion off and cannonballs in*

*Countless smek-smek-smeks and thuds and krnchs, among Zev's screams, are all that can be heard*

Ur: Professor, your methods have become unsound. I am worried for my future prospects.

Kokonoe: *Smooooooch* Shaddap! I'm just *Thud* so *THUD* HAPPY TO FIND ZEVVY-DARLING!! *THUD-THUD-SMACK-THUD-SMACK*

*With an axekick, she sends Zev flying out of the pillow fort, and begins to tear it apart from the inside*

Kokonoe: So. You done making your family and your girlfriend and all the people you love and all the people you hate and all the people that you know and all the people that you don't wonder where in the hell you've been!!?

Zev: *Has two black eyes, scratch and bite marks, and is starting to break out in hives* I'm tired of...Just about everything...Right now... *Shivers* I'm allergic...To feline...Saliva...

Kokonoe: *Has constructed the Legendary Pillow Throne* Then don't be so damn kissable. *Catsmile* Y'know, Namah won't be after me for three hours...

Zev: I need an adult.

Kokonoe: I am rated adults only.

Zev: *Gaaaaaaaaaaasp* HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLP!!!

FAMILY...IS...GO!!

Kokonoe: YOLO.

*Suddenly, a certain woman comes through the wall like Kool-Aid*

Misaki: WHERE IS MY SON!!!??? *Flames are shooting out of her mouth*

*Soon, Anna, Tamao, Mikihisa, and Sagihime all follow*

Kokonoe: ...Too YOLO. *Calls Ur back, into a device on her back*

Misaki: *Snarls, when she makes the connection between Zev's hives and Kokonoe* WHY YOU DIRTY, MANGY LITTLE - !!

Kokonoe: You said you wanted me to find him! You never said what I couldn't do once I did! *Suddenly forms rocketship-armor around herself* NO REGRETS *Blasts off through the ceiling*

Zev: *Forces himself to his feet, and brushes off his pants* Grimalkin be trippin'.

Mikihisa: Word.

Misaki: That girl be some kinda crazy-a$$ ho, home skillet.

Zev: ...What.

Misaki: Nothing, dear, let's wash you up before you get infected.

Zev: I'll get the scouring kit from the restroom.

*They all set about cleaning things up*

Anna: *Places a sign on top of Zev's desk*

Returning to Air Shortly!

Stay Tuned!

*Cue the Cold Open*

Namah: *Is standing on the refurbished stage, arms crossed* And so, it has come to this. Welcome, little lost children. I know you're only here because they ran out of seats for Help Me! Professor Kokonoe. If we're going to be stuck with each other, we might as well try to get along. Here, I brought along my cat to put you at ease.

Aisha: Namah. I don't see Chinese food. *Is sat on a chic, deep violet couch over by the wall*

*As a matter of fact, the entire studio has been reworked to suit Namah's aesthetic tastes*

Namah: You will only receive your offering when you have helped me salvage this sinking ship.

Aisha: So you're bribing me with food to be your co-host on a show you don't want to host?

Namah: Yes, I presume that you don't have a problem with that?

Aisha: No not really.

Namah: Good. We don't have much time, so we'll have to skip straight to our one and only guest for the night.

*She turns to look directly into the camera*

Namah: Some say that her hips truly cannot tell a lie. Others say that she knows only two things about the Terran musical style of reggae, and both of them are wrong. All we know is, her name is Tyrigosa.

Tyrigosa: *Briskly crosses the stage* This is undesirable foolishness compounding your mate's mountain of past foolish behavior. Why was it necessary for I to be taken from my master's service to entertain your childish whimsies?

Namah: Whoa. Whoa. I think we need to sit down and talk about what's really wrong. *Sits down behind her curved, onyx-topped desk* ...

Tyrigosa: ... *Deep Siiiiiiigh* ... *Takes a seat in the pleasant violet chair*

Namah: Are you or are you not hot for Loki?

Tyrigosa: *Gives an unholy roar, and the entire building shudders*

Namah: *Jimmie Status: 97% Unrustled* See, that's your problem. You can't handle any kind of joke. You get yourself wound up and wound up, until you can't handle it anymore. It is detrimental to your health, and your duties. I also get the feeling that you care about Loki, and this is in conflict with your orderly nature - it is not in your nature to dwell on the wellbeing of a fellow like him.

Tyrigosa: ... ... ... *Rests face in the palm of hand, gently* ... ... ...

Namah: Good night, everybody. We have talking to do.

Aisha: WHAT ABOUT MY -

Namah: Shhhhhhhhhhh.

Aisha: Mrrrrw.

*Cue credits*

I loled. That was pretty amusing.

Now Loki may make passes at Tyrigosa for no good reason.