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    A Day in the Life of a User

    The Chronicler
    The Chronicler

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    A Day in the Life of a User

    Post by Kon on Fri Apr 11, 2014 7:40 pm

    Well, well well. I've been waiting for you guys. *Points to reader*

    I haven't slept all night tonight because my mind is 4x3™ⱽ times as active as usual, so I decided to take a break from making strange noises and fantasising about Yon to write my Magnum Opus instead (yes that's right, even more Magnum Opus-ey than the Legacy of Yon)! This piece of work is inspired by the ancient BZPower comedy A Day in the Life of GregF and other stupid forum comedies of that nature. So sit back, relax and enjoy, even though it might be safer to stay alert with a cricket bat next to you while reading in case Matoran in White Suits break into your house to try to steal the secret ingredients of Fod Patties from the safe downstairs. What's that? You don't have a safe downstairs? Well where the hell did you put the formula then..? Wait... seriously? Great, now we might as well reboot the multiverse. Nice job losing the formula, jackass.. ugh, hang on, there's someone at the door. NO PUMKIN GO AWAY WE'RE CLOSED. Yeah, you're hungry, well too bad we lost the recipe. Dude, what part of go away do you not underst- oh god, what are you doing- NO that's my LEG! GET OFF! AAIIIEEEE THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT WHEN I SAID I'M DELICIOUS-

    Transmission lost. Rebooting...


    Chapter 1: The Dark Lord

    <User HQ, 0700 hours>

    The darkness of night was washed away by the sunrise, which cast bright light over the vast cities of the User World. In one of the buildings, electric lights flickered, and User Kon strolled through the corridor to get some more vanilla coke. He turned a radiator on on his way to the kitchen because it was, in his own words, "bloody freezing". Once he had made it there, he opened the fridge and squinted at the selection of drinks.

    "Okay, let's see... we've got some apple juice... tomato soup... faygo? What the hell is that?"

    He grabs the can of faygo and promptly disposes of it with extreme prejudice by throwing it out of the window. Shrugging, he turns his attention back to the fridge, and leans in so he can reach the back. He moves some small boxes around, including a crate of vodka labelled "property of Redwolf" and a crate of apple cider with a post-it note that says "if found outside the QWE, please destroy immediately". He was tempted to do as such so he could get to what was behind it more easily, but decided to leave it be for someone else's sake. Finally, he found a half-frozen can of good old vanilla coke. Once he managed to dislodge it from the back of the fridge, he smashes the ice on a nearby sink and opens the can. Its contents instantly spray all over Kon's face and the walls before he can react. Accepting his fate, Kon took a deep breath and sighed, though today a soda malfunction was the least of his problems.

    As he began his day, little did the User know that he was not alone. He was, in fact, being watched through a pair of binoculars by an ageing man in a winter coat standing atop an adjacent building. The man takes a moment to lower said binoculars and shiver.

    "Absolutely disgusting," the middle-aged man mutters to himself with a think American accent; "He'd be perfect for the villain for Avatar 5, wasting energy like that. Too bad we already have Steven Spielberg cast in the part."

    At the mention of his name, Spielberg, tied up and gagged in the open boot of James Cameron's electric car atop the roof of the building, tries to shout for help through the bandages in his mouth. Unfortunately for him, it does nothing except further irritate his eco-maniacal director rival.

    "That's right Spielberg, I'm going to film Avatar 5, 6 and 7 right here in 4D, and there's nothing you can do to stop me!" Cameron shouts triumphantly atop the morning breeze, followed by an evil laugh. After he has his moment, he is nervously approached by a younger bloke holding a camera.

    "So, uh... Mr. Cameron? Have you finished location scouting yet?"

    "Yes, yes, these buildings look pretty abandoned to me. We can always destroy them to make way for the new forest that we'll plant in its place. Although, I guess we should check out that building over there, looks like a light's on." The director grumbles, pointing to User Kon's location. Meanwhile, the User wipes the vanilla coke off his face and takes off his ruined shirt, going back to his room to pick out a new one. As he enters his room and opens a few drawers, he notices none other than The Hand next to him, jumping up and down on a windowsill and pointing to somewhere on the other side. After he'd selected a shirt which said ">implying my posts aren't the best", he jumps to the window and peers through it. Kon looks around and is overcome by a strong sense of disgust when he spots his old arch-nemesis on the roof opposite, setting up a film reel, holding a script, and generally preparing to do the unthinkable.

    "James... I should have known." Kon said to himself. "Hand, stay here, and try not to get yourself arrested. Me, on the other hand... I've earned that privilege!"

    Without further ado, Kon puts on the shirt and runs up the stairs to the roof. Pausing once in a while to take another sip of coke, the two titans eventually make eye contact roof to roof. Cameron wipes his glasses to make sure he isn't seeing things, then puts them back on and prepares himself for the inevitable showdown. Kon takes a deep breath and finds that suddenly, in that moment, everything makes sense. His whole life had been leading up to this very occasion - every small action had linked together to lead him to this very spot at this very moment in time. Without further ado, Kon's brow furrows as he embraces his destiny like a horse would embrace fear. His white-haired opponent cackles and points at him.

    "Say what you like about my films, Kon, but that doesn't stop there from being a street between us!"

    "Oh I'm sure there's more than just a street between us, James..." Kon retorts, "for example, taste in cinema comes to mind!" Kon begins to laugh at his own joke, but is cut off by a loud creaking noise coming from behind him. He turns to see a shadowy figure step out of the doorway and into the light, shielding his eyes from the sun with his hand. Sure enough, it is THE ARCHITECT, come to see what all the early-morning commotion was about.

    "Kon, why are you awake, you don't usually wake up until the afterno-" He was cut off by Kon putting a finger on his mouth, who then takes it off to raise both his arms in the air.

    "Because, Architect, IT'S-"

    "Ugh. If you say 'IT'S HAPPENING' one more time, I swear to Dawk-"

    "No silly, the HAPPENING isn't due till later today. Now is the time..." Kon leans in uncomfortably close, his pupils widening with excitement; "To live up to my family name, and face full... life..."

    "Consequences." The Architect responds, causing a frown.

    "Spoilsport", Kon mutters as he turns back to face his opponent. To his horror, Cameron had instructed his film crew to pack up and escape!


    Tune in next time for what is sure to be a thrilling Kon-clusion!

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    Re: A Day in the Life of a User

    Post by Klak on Sat Apr 12, 2014 12:38 am

    I laughed a lot while reading this.

    My rating is 10/10! I look forward to the next one!


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