No Image Guy sat down on Tommy's sofa and waited for the Dongers and cast of The Room to stop arguing, but that time did not come as quickly as he'd hoped. Interrupting Tiny's rant about how Minecraft is a better game than TF2 before the Soldier could punch him with the force of a thousand crockets, Nigel stood up and turned into his floating virus form before flying round Tiny's head at high speeds.
"AAAAHHHH!!! the wam! its alive!!!!" Tiny screamed and jumped over the sofa, attempting to hide himself from Nigel behind it. Luckily for him though, Nigel only wanted to scare him so that he could talk to Tommy without the noise in the background. After the pixels his body was comprised of shifted back into a humanoid form in the middle of the room, Nigel pushed past Jesse and grabbed Tommy by the locks.
"Alright wise guy, if you haven't got The Mask somewhere around here, then how is this six-dimensional movie playing around us? Cause it sure as hell isn't tech, if it was, I would have found it and possessed it by now."
Tommy winced with pain as his hair was pulled. "Ow, ow, you're hurting me! What is with all these questions?! Get out of my house, get out of my life!"
Jesse tried to reassure his old friend by putting a hand on Tommy's shoulder, but he quickly shook it off.
"Don't touch me mudderfuckur." Tommy mumbled, pushing them both away and taking Lisa by the arm. "Me and my future wife are going up to our bedroom for some alone time now."
At the mention of alone time, Shrek's ears pointed upwards. "Can ah watch, laddeh?"
Tommy laughed. "You know, you sound just like my friend Denny. Except he is good friend, and does not come into my house and pull my hair. So no. You do not get to see, ogre-man."
"SEE!" See-Man shouted with glee, but Lisa slapped him, which wiped the smile off his face.
"Come on Tommy, I've had enough of these weirdos." Lisa said to her future husband, and led him upstairs, leaving the Dongers to their business.
"ayy that was lame-o spagetti-o" one of the Ayy-Lmaliums sang to Yon. He nodded in agreement, and began formulating a plan B. The Dong Squad had failed in getting Tommy to co-operate, so what now?
"I believe I have an idea!" Randolph shouted, as if hearing Yon's thoughts somehow.
"Sure, let's hear it."
"Well, I am pretty sure that that man, Wiseau, didn't take note of our resident feline over here."
The Shell-Shocked Cat jumped onto a set of drawers so it was at eye-level with Randolph. Once it had done so, it meowed in confusion.
"You see," Randolph continued, "Wiseau will want to apologize to his fiancée about the ruckus that just occurred in their living room. And how does he always apologize to people?"
Randolph was met with a room full of blank stares.
"What, none of you yokels have ever watched this movie? I can't believe it."
"'Course I have mate, just been concentratin' on the cookin' at the time, that's all. It makes for good background telly." Ainsley Harriot said as he raised his hand.
Randolph sighed and ran his hands across his face. "He apologizes by buying his loved ones gifts. The next thing we need to do is intervene in that process, so instead of going to the gift shop, he buys a cute cat from a down-on-his-luck telemarketer."
Billy Mays raised an eyebrow. "You want me to sell Wiseau a member of our team for only $39.99, and if he comes down from his bedroom within the next twenty minutes, he'll get the first can of cat food absolutely free?"
"Bingo." Randolph said with a smile. "Now let's wait for the scene to change so we will be outside on the street. Mays, you and the cat stand outside his door and wait for him, while the rest of us... well... we've got a gift shop to wreck or a blockade to build."
Tiny loaded his rocket launcher and gave a salute. "consider it done mister."
"Hahaha! I love this little maggot!" Soldier shouted, and grabbed Tiny in a headlock while noogie-ing him.
Yon waved his arms. "Wait a second. WHY are we selling him the Shell-Shocked Cat?"
"Well we know that he has The Mask around here somewhere, but he'll never tell us where. Which is why we need to sell him the cat... eventually he'll trust her enough to reveal its location, after which she'll find us at another point in the movie and tell us where it is."
Yon shrugged. "It could work. Unless someone has a better idea?"
Jesse shrugged, Ross Mandell threw his arms up in the air as if to say 'Well that's that then', and Pumkin gave an empty, expressionless stare. Yon did not wish to gaze into the hungry eyes of Pumkin for too long, so he decided to look away and get to rallying the Squad.
"Alright gang, we know what to do. Dong Squad, EXPAND!"
<Meme World, Ten Minutes Later>
After ten minutes of careful planning, the world around them changed to the exterior of a flower shop. Any second now, Tommy would pull up in his white car, blissfully unaware of what was in store for him.
The Dong Squad, plus Tiny and the Heckler, hid behind a cluster of wheelie bins. Yon looked around, and after locating Merasmus, slapped him with the Hand.
"AAAIIIEIEIEIAA! Why did you do that?!" The crack-snorting wizard screamed at Yon. Shrek put his hand over Merasmus' mouth and made a shushing sound, signalling him to be quiet in case Tommy arrived and noticed them.
"Merasmus," Yon began, "Is it possible for you to cast a spell to slow down time for everyone else? We don't want Wiseau arriving while we're in the middle of... setting the scene, so to speak."
"I... I think I can do that... let's see..." Merasmus muttered, lifting an ancient spellbook from his pocket and blowing the dust off its cover. Flipping to a random page, he rolled his eyes and began to chant.
"TEEM TOOM TOMN... VAHINUMANUH!!" He shouted. Suddenly, the movie that they were all stuck in slowed down to 0.25 speed. Yon wiped the sweat off his forehead, and telepathically contacted the other members of the Squad.
"Dong Squad, we all in position?"
He received eager thumbs up from the others, apart from the Shell-Shocked Cat, who put her paw up instead.
"Good. Let's flip out."
Moving as one, the Dong Squad then rose from their hiding spots behind the bins and cars and walked towards the flower shop. At the end of the street behind them, Tommy was approaching, but very slowly. Instead of a few seconds, they now had a few minutes to complete their mission thanks to the magic of Merasmus.
The woman at the counter in the shop hummed to herself as she sipped coffee and read the morning news. It seemed like any other day... until the glass window exploded and the petals of destroyed flowers flew everywhere in slow motion. She screamed as she looked up from her newspaper to see two customers having their heads bashed together by a large green ogre, and the third shouting for help as he was devoured by a giant cartoon pumpkin monster. Her doggie began growling but was wrestled to the ground by The Hand.
"Wh-who are you people?!" She whimpered as she backed away towards the wall. Yon walked towards her and faced the woman eye-to-eyes.
"I am Yon. And they are my Dong Squad. We are doing what we are doing because we need to find an item which will enable us to save the universe."
In front of them, the rest of the Dongers were hard at work disposing of the flowers so that Tommy could not buy any when he arrived. Randolph was hacking away at some tulips with his sword and Jesse Ventura was stamping out some sunflowers while accusing them of containing microscopic cameras for the government to spy on people with. However, Ross Mandell put some roses in his suit for his wife back home when nobody was looking, and Ainsley Harriott picked up some cornflower for cooking purposes.
"What the hell are you talking abou-" The shopkeeper replied, but was cut off by Soldier laughing manically in her face.
"Flowers are for HIPPIES! Hahahah!!"
Yon shook his head, and turned back to the shopkeeper when a thought struck him.
"Wait a minute... we slowed down time for everyone else, so how come you are speaking normally, and not in slow motion?"
The shopkeeper laughed and waved her hand as if to tell Yon to stop being silly. "Don't be ridiculous! Everyone in this movie talks at 3 times the speed of a normal person! Haven't you noticed?"
Yon gave her a blank stare, not understanding but moving on regardless. "Anyway, I was just trying to tell you that this is not personal. It never is... except when it is. But this case isn't. Except for Jesse, maybe."
He then looked over to Jesse, who had finished stomping flowers and was feeling pretty good with himself. However, due to their telepathic link, Yon knew that Jesse had wondered today if he really should have let Wiseau out of Area 51 after all, when he now knew that Wiseau would keep the Mask to himself once he found it.
Once Yon's train of thought had finished, he looked back at the counter, but the shopkeeper had since been replaced by Pumkin. His eyes rolled back in ecstasy, which could only have meant one thing.
"Well, that wasn't too bad." He said, followed by burping loudly. A stilettoed shoe flew from his mouth and hit LeTrole, knocking him out again.
Yon laughed to himself, as he should have expected that to happen. At least the shopkeeper's death was quick and painless, as he imagined that being consumed by Pumkin was like falling into a black void and being instantly digested. Unless the back of his mouth led to some kind of nightmarish pocket dimension where all of his victims, and dinners, go... but the thought is too horrible to imagine.
At last the time had come, and Merasmus' spell had worn off, returning time to normal.
"Quick, everyone, hide behind the counter! Mays, you're up!" Yon shouted, and the Squad laid low. The Shell-Shocked Cat was thrown into Mays' hands, and he stood up to face none other than Tommy Wiseau himself.
"Oh my god... what happened to this place? Where's the doggie?" Tommy asked, lifting up his glasses. Billy Mays saw that Tommy's eyes were welling with tears... but that never stopped him from advertising something before.
"Hi it's Billy Mays here with the Dong- uh, I mean, Shop Squad! We - I mean, I - have taken over this branch! Instead of selling flowers, we now sell cats, perfect for angry loved ones and confused vampiric aliens like yourself!"