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    Zev the Reveler
    Gracious Double-Crosser

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    Post by Zev the Reveler on Sun Jul 22, 2012 11:06 am

    *The scene is an expansive, dusty, cool planet*

    *Orange creamsicle-colored skies with puffy pink clouds extend endlessly to the horizons*

    *Sat at a judges' table are Namah, Angeloid Nymph, and a mysterious masked man*

    *Lined up across a small part of the desert are huge piles of spare parts, in front of the baremost skeletons of cars*

    *Stood near these skeletons are teams of two - Klak and D-Klak, Scinter and Vi, Jade and Sarge, Ynot and Vultran*

    *Finally, hovering above, all across the air are camera drones*

    Namah: Here we are, on the artificial planet of Nara Bara - A planet whose stark, arid beauty is only matched by how sheerly stupid its name is. The deserts and arroyos of this planet have not been touched, never been polluted. We shall now change that.

    Nymph: What's an arroyo? Is it tasty?

    Masked Judge: ... ... ...

    Namah: And thus, we have amassed parts from all over the Galaxy. Here, our competitors shall attempt to build the fastest craft possible, using random generators - Equal in power, unique in functions - To run them. Should they make one mistake in construction, their craft could explode in a glorious conflagration, and send their happy @sses to oblivion.

    Jade: What was that!!!???

    Namah: Your time begins now. Good luck.

    *A loud beep resonates throughout the desert*

    *Everyone immediately sets to work - At least, most of everyone*

    *Klak and D-Klak have promptly decided to have an argument*

    D-Klak: We need to go for power, that's why -

    Klak: - If we're not careful, we're going to be evaporated -

    D-Klak: - No, not that size, have you ever even -

    Klak: - Up yours!! *Tackles D-Klak to the ground*

    Namah: And so, the infighting sets in. Let's take a look at Ynot and Vultran.

    Ynot: *Is carefully using his powers to analyze the scrap parts* Vultran.

    Vultran: What? *Is working on something, a ways away from the group*

    Ynot: Vultran, if I have to turn around, you're not going to like it.

    Vultran: ...Fine. *Pours a sizzling chemical concoction onto the sand*

    *As they get to work, the setting shifts to Jade and Sarge*

    *Or rather, to the crackling blur of spacial anomalies they've become, building their craft at unreal speed*

    Namah: ...I would call that cheating, but I'm not sure if I care. *Turns to Nymph and the Masked Judge* Thoughts?

    Masked Judge: ... ... ... *Arms crossed, doesn't budge an inch*

    Nymph: *Is snacking on rice crackers* They're doing fast work, but not necessarily quality work.

    Namah: I see. Oh, it looks like Vi and Scinter are just about done.

    Vi & Scinter: *Have assembled some kind of low, dangerous-looking armored transport*

    *It would appear that the others are finished, as well; everyone piles into their cars*

    Namah: And so, we come to the race/battle portion. As you all likely know, we've allowed you all to bring one weapon of choice, per team. Through a mix of speed and combat, you must make a wild drive to the finish line. Look out for obstacles and other drivers.

    Ynot: Other drivers? Namah -

    Namah: *Fires off a pistol into the air, earplugs in* Go.

    *The cars all roar to life, and begin tearing down the sandy expanses*

    *Immediately, Ynot and Vultran pull into the lead*

    Jade: We'll see about that!!! *Starts to flare with green sparks*

    *However, suddenly, they turn into much wilder blue sparks - Inside the car*

    Jade: AAAAAAAAAAAAWHOOFWHOOFWHARRRRGARBL - *Topples in the backseat, smoking faintly*

    Namah: *Wags finger, image shown on a huge T.V. drone* Careful. We do have some rules, and teleporting during the race is breaking one of them.

    Ynot: *Turns to Vultran, on the wheel* Bring me closer. I want to hit them with my sword.

    Vultran: Bringing you closer now, sir. *Suddenly slows down, causing the wheels to scream*

    Ynot: *Leans out of the window, Ka-Oni-Santsu flaring to life* It's time...To burn rubber.

    Jade: *Growls angrily, rolling around in the back of her seat, though still unconscious*

    Ynot: Shut up, that was good. *Launches a wave of flames towards Vi and Scinter's car*

    *Their car is consumed in flames and smoke, as a huge section of sand turns to glass*

    *However, the armored car trundles out, and begins to pick up more and more speed*

    Ynot: *Suddenly becomes aware of the jutting metal spikes, cut out and then welded onto the front of their car* Wait a minute don't you dare -


    Ynot: ... *Finds himself staring at Vi's smirking face* ...Hold on. Where's - *Interrupted by a thunk on the roof* Are you serious?

    Scinter: *Does a front flip to kick in the windshield, narrowly missing Vultran*

    *He ends up in the passenger seat, ignoring the bleeding scratches on his arms*

    Scinter: So. Where are we headed to?

    Vultran: I think we can drop you off in hell. *Smashes a glass cover on a button*

    Scinter: *Flickers out of view as the seat rockets into the air*

    *He flickers back in on the hood, an olive-green halo glowing above his head*

    Vultran: How in the name of formalin did you do that just now?

    Scinter: Dreamkeeper tricks. *Leaps and rolls across the roof of the car*

    *He springs off and lands neatly in the backseat of his own car*

    *The car screeches to a stop, tearing the bumper out of Ynot's and Vultran's car, and then takes off in pursuit once again*

    Klak: *In their own car* Did you prepare the device, D-Klak?

    D-Klak: *Driving* Yes. Releasing the tire catchers now. *Flips a switch*

    *From within their car's tires extend two pipes, cut to have beak-like ends*

    D-Klak: *Goes to pull up alongside Jade and Sarge's car, before a blazing white light becomes visible* Crap. *Slams on the breaks*

    *He's forced to disengage before doing any damage, so as to avoid the energy beam from Ahab's Crosshairs*

    Jade: *Leans out the window, rifle still smoking* Yeah, that's what I thought!!!!

    *The race continues as such for a while, before an immense grinding noise can be heard*

    *Sheer cliff faces of metal start to rise out of the ground, forming an intricate series of ravines*

    *Most of the group makes it over, but one car simply can't make it over*


    *The rest of the drivers leave them behind, regretting nothing*

    *Meanwhile, Ynot and Vultran are driving alongside Sarge and Jade*

    Ynot: *Yells from the backseat* Don't you get tired of how much of a Mary Sue you are?

    Jade: Sorry! Can't hear you! My own swag is just too loud! *Fires Ahab's Crosshairs*

    Ynot: *Deflects it into a camera drone with Ka-Oni-Santsu* Hmph.

    *Meanwhile, the drivers are still locked in argument*

    Vultran: Your thesis on dark energy's flux patterns wasn't even fit to be a drink coaster!!

    Sarge: Oh yeah? I've analyzed your anti-zombie compound! I've seen more complex mixtures extracted from chemosynthetic bacteria!

    Vultran: Oh nooooooo you didn't! You be trippin' girlfriend!

    Sarge: Oh yes I did! No regrets! *Looks back* Where's that dust coming from?

    *Suddenly, Vi and Scinter's car steadily creeps up on, meets, and surpasses the other cars*

    Vi: SHIFT GEAR INTO "HAUL @$$!!" ESCAPE PROCEDURES, NOW!! *Guns it, tearing away*

    *Now, all four of the other racers take a look in the rearview mirrors, or out the windows*

    All of Them: ...WHO ARE THESE DOUCHEBAGS!!? *Assume top speed to escape, as well*

    *Behind them, a huge, lackluster black monster truck is gaining - It's covered in a network of glowing red lines, and has ridged wheels that pulverize the ground*

    *Inside are Dire Knight and André Darter - The sound outside is blocked out, replaced by Dvorak's New World Symphony, 9th Movement*

    André: You know, Dire Knight, it has often been said that a gentlemen cannot let himself remain in want of game to hunt.

    Dire Knight: ... ... ... *Adjusts the huge, crooked gearshift*

    André: Well, I daresay any season is a fine season to hunt amateur racers. Leave no trace of them, if you please.

    Dire Knight: ... ... ... *Picks up speed, wheels glowing bright red*

    *Suddenly, as it begins to gain on the cars, Jade and Ynot pop out of their roofs - Weapons glowing bright*

    Dire Knight: ...!! *Grabs André, kicks the door off its hinges, and bails out - Landing on his feet and putting dents in the ground*

    *As the truck goes out of control and starts to flip into the air, it's hit by Ka-Oni-Santsu's flames and a shot from Ahab's Crosshairs*

    Jade: Booyah!!! Teamwork!!! Air high five!!! *Slaps the air*

    Ynot: *Does the same, then holds Ka-Oni-Santsu out from the hip* Down low.

    Jade: Dafuq - *Takes aim at Ynot as his sword ignites*

    Ynot: Too slow. *Sends a sweeping wave of flames out that slags the other car's wheels*

    Jade: *Gets flipped over the front seat, knocking both herself and Sarge out as the car rocks to a stop*

    Ynot: Vultran, switch. I'm taking the wheel. *Kicks Vultran into the passenger seat*

    Vultran: *Flails* Do you even know how to say please!?

    Ynot: *Raises his wrist morpher, and takes out a key* Not a weapon. Shift into Turbo.

    *As he morphs, then activates his platinum ring, the car screams to new life - Glowing a blinding platinum*

    *It begins to pick up more and more speed, as Vultran yowls in outrage*

    Ynot: *Ignores the shocks for cheating* A little further... *Spots the other car* Almost there...

    *Suddenly, the other car's entire top shoots off, and is blasted to smithereens by Ynot*

    Scinter: *Rises up, as the entire backseat swivels around on a turret* Behold: The Doom Viper.

    Ynot: Oh, for Pete's sakes - *Forms a huge barrier to block the exploding rounds*

    *As the two pull up beside each other in a standstill, they hear a maniacal, high-pitched motor*

    All of Them: Oh God not her. *Cease their assault and pick up more speed*

    *A yellow Vespa becomes visible in the distance, catching up to them*

    *With a whoop, fire rockets decimate the area all around the group*

    *They can see Shaern, hanging onto Haruko as she drives*

    Ynot: And what in the name of sports entertainment is she doing here?

    Vultran: I am blameless in this debacle. *Sulks in the passenger's seat*

    Scinter: Our engine is running out of fuel, Ynot. We need you to win for us.

    Ynot: Scinter, the finish line is less than half a kilometer ahead of us. You'll make it.

    Vi: We must make this noble sacrifice to get Haruko back for bailing on us. Farewell.

    *She suddenly flips into reverse, heading straight for Haruko*

    *As they disappear in a huge dustcloud, Ynot sighs, shaking his head*

    *They finally reach the finish line - Ynot deactivates his changes to the car, and gets out*

    *Meanwhile, the other door just pops off, and Vultran flops lifelessly onto it*

    Vultran: *Weakly takes out a tape recorder* Never let Ynot drive a car ever again. Bluh

    Ynot: Well, at least we - ...Won... *Spots something up ahead* Oh hell no.

    *There, though the front of the car is bashed in and there are no doors, is a certain car*

    *Sat in lawn chairs are Klak and D-Klak enjoying root beer*

    Klak: Hey! Nice of you to finally show up! Turns out there was an accelerator tunnel at the bottom of that ravine!

    D-Klak: Just had to rock the car back up, and we made it here a while ago!

    Ynot: ... *Facepalm* Did we ever even find out who the Masked Judge was?

    Masked Judge: *Suddenly lands beside him* ... *Whips off mask, showing a white helmet with a blue visor*

    Everyone: Stiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig! *Wag their fingers*

    The Stig: *Crosses arms in silence*
    Resident Klak Expert

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    Re: Motorheads

    Post by Klak on Sun Jul 22, 2012 11:37 am

    I definitely had several laughs in this one, nicely done. Very funny. Somewhat hilarious with a few twitches, but definitely very funny. Well done.


    Zev the Reveler
    Gracious Double-Crosser

    Posts : 1595
    Coins : 5116
    Reputation : 1117
    Join date : 2010-12-25
    Location : Land of the Free, Home of the Whopper

    Re: Motorheads

    Post by Zev the Reveler on Sun Jul 22, 2012 11:46 am

    Thank you, Klak.

    I am quite proud of how this turned out.

    Now, I rest.

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    Re: Motorheads

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