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    Zev the Reveler
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    Ask Namah Calah

    Post by Zev the Reveler on Wed Jul 06, 2011 8:28 am

    Namah: *Is reading a book while "smoking" a pipe*

    *She abruptly looks up and smiles*

    Namah: Bonjour. Didn't hear you come in. Welcome to Ask Namah.

    Question One: Who would win in a fight? Ash from Pokemon, or Ash from the Evil Dead Movies?

    Namah: That's a very good question. You know, I'd really have to go with Ash from Pokemon. Because Ash fights dirty. Plus, Ash from the Evil Dead movies has seen plenty of undead monstrosities, but he's never seen a Pokemon. I'm sure he'd be just as confused as many of you out there.

    Namah: Thus, Ash from Pokemon would run up and kick Ash from the Evil Dead movies in the testicles. Then, Pikachu would utterly roast Ash from the Evil Dead movies with his Satanic powers. Because I'm not sure if many of you know this, but Pokemon are of the Devil.

    Namah: Think about it. Fire-breathers? Lightning-making mice? Ghosts made of noxious gases? Shark torpedoes? Living garbage monsters? How can they be the product of any human-loving God? It is my long-held belief that Pokemon will not stop until we are all turned inside-out dead.

    Namah: Charming.

    Question Two: Where's the beef?

    Namah: That's a very good question. ... Actually, no it isn't. Just go to that damned fast food joint that ran those commercials. Don't bug me about where to find your food. At least, not until we've had our first date. *Wink* Yes.

    Question Three: If Jack has two more pebbles than Sally, and Sally has three more pebbles than Billy, and Billy has two pebbles, how many pebbles does Jack have?

    Namah: First of all, anyone who's graduated Elementary School should know it's seven pebbles. That's just basic addition. Look, the monkey running this show is going to be learning about imaginary numbers next year, and you bug me with an addition problem. Shame on you.

    Namah: Second, and much more importantly, who cares how many pebbles they have? They're f@%king pebbles. You can't even eat them like an apple. Are you being taught how to assemble a pebble collection for profit? Are Jack, Sally, and Billy some kind of losers who just trade pebbles like it's a game?

    Namah: Oooh, oooh, lemme guess how this goes down. "I summon the Smooth Round Blue Pebble!" "Aha, you've activated my Bumpy Yellow-Gray Pebble!" "Rrrgh, I have to hold out until I can summon my Shiny Pointy Black Pebble...!" It makes me glad I spend so much time on the internet.

    Namah: I'll admit. Most of the internet is pornography. But it gives people boundless information! It allows cultures to link up across the globe! It allows us to watch hentai without being persecuted as a depraved freak! Though, you have to be careful - The internet can waste your life away.

    Namah: ... ... ...

    Namah: What was the question again? Whatever.

    *She proceeds to spin her pipe around on top of her index fingertip*

    Question Four: Why do we park in driveways and drive in parkways?

    Namah: Because you touch yourself at night.

    *She just smiles to the camera*

    Question Five: Soup or salad?

    Namah: Did you say Super Salad? He's my favorite super hero vegetable dish! He and his stalwart companion Croutant Kid, battling the evils of the Fast Food Shadows! Plus, I just plain like salads. They can be quite delicious.

    ...

    Namah: This is Namah Calah saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until you ask it."

    *She goes back to her book*

    ~ ~ ~

    Whaddyou guys think? Should I continue it?

    Also, if you want, you guys can send questions for the next episode. No more than two per member, though.

    I'm not sure whether this will work...Hmmm...Please give your opinions.

    Credit to Ask ThatGuyWithTheGlasses
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    Zev the Reveler
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    Re: Ask Namah Calah

    Post by Zev the Reveler on Wed Jul 06, 2011 10:33 am

    Namah: *Reading with her pipe again*

    *She looks up and smiles*

    Namah: Hola. Didn't hear you come in. Welcome to Ask Namah Calah!

    Question One: Why did you introduce the show as "Ask Namah" on your first episode if it's "Ask Namah Calah?"

    Namah: Because f@&k you.

    Question Two: Where's Waldo?

    Namah: *Points down below the camera with pipe from right in front* There. See him? See him? Right there. There he is.

    DRJ asks, "Everything I say is a lie. I am lying. Am I telling the truth or not?

    Namah: Oh, you poor dumb fool. Everything's a lie. Santa Claus doesn't exist. You don't exist. I don't exist. Our perception of reality is all just an illusion. All of it depends on your acceptance of how fluid our reality is. For instance.

    *She turns into a penguin*

    Namah: *Back to normal* We must learn to give ourselves meaning. Only then will all of the lies that poison our world begin to be dissolved by truth.

    ...

    Namah: Nah. If you're always lying, you're always lying. I'm not going to bug myself with that kind of philosophical looping bullcrap. You should feel ashamed for asking me that.

    Question Four: Are you my conscience?

    Namah: ... *Smiles and nods* Yes~! I'm your conscience! And as your conscience, I'm telling you to send me all of your money and credit cards! Why? Because I'm your conscience.

    Namah: *Staring straight into the camera with empty black eyes* Do as I command.

    Namah: *Back to normal* Yes.

    Question Five: How do I avoid a Rickroll?

    Namah: You just don't, my friend. I pray for you.

    *She frowns sadly, just shaking her head*

    ...

    Namah: This is Namah Calah saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until you ask it."

    *She goes back to her book*

    ~ ~ ~

    Anyone who reviews this, feel free to send your questions.

    What I meant by the last announcement is that you can send up to two questions every episode.

    Please tell me how this can improve if you don't like it. Thanks muchly.

    Credit to Ask ThatGuyWithTheGlasses
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    Zev the Reveler
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    Re: Ask Namah Calah

    Post by Zev the Reveler on Wed Jul 06, 2011 11:52 am

    Namah: *Reading with her pipe*

    *She abruptly looks up and smiles*

    Namah: Guten tag. Didn't hear you come in. Greetings, and welcome to Ask Namah Calah!

    Question One: Why are you just now saying greetings when you didn't say it the first two -

    Namah: Look. I'm really getting tired of this bullcrap, you wise-@ss cameraman. This is my show, and you're going to cut it before I really hurt you. Got it?

    Um, uh...I'm...Sorry...

    Namah: You're going to be. *Wiggles eyebrows*

    Y...Yeah...Question Two: Why do we kill people who kill people to show that killing people is wrong?

    Namah: Because we want the satisfaction without ever considering whether or not it's the right thing, and because people are just stupid.

    Namah: Yes.

    Question Three: Do you know the muffin man?

    Namah: The muffin man?

    The muffin man.

    Namah: Do I know the muffin man...The one who lives on Drury Lane?

    Yes.

    Namah: Never heard of him. Sorry.

    Question Four: Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon, madame?

    Namah: *Blank stare* ... ... ...You have made a powerful enemy this day, sir. *Slowly places pipe in mouth*

    Question Five: Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. May I take your order?

    Namah: *Walks back in, dusting off hands* Oh, I'm sorry. I just finished landing the Grey Poupon b@stard in the hospital with my secret pipe-kata. I have bad memories of that stuff. What was the question?

    Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. May I take your order?

    Namah: Yes. You can make a good movie instead of ABSOLUTE SH%&!!

    ...

    Namah: This is Namah Calah saying, "There is no such thing as a stupid question until you ask it!"

    *She goes back to her book*

    ~ ~ ~

    Credit to ATGWTG
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    Re: Ask Namah Calah

    Post by Heat on Wed Jul 06, 2011 9:09 pm

    This may be your funniest comedy yet. Keep it up.


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    Re: Ask Namah Calah

    Post by Zev the Reveler on Thu Jul 07, 2011 2:26 am

    Oooh...

    ...That means a lot...You never review my stuff...

    I'll try to do a really good job~

    Episode Four!

    ~ ~ ~

    Namah: *Reading with her pipe*

    *She abruptly looks up and smiles*

    Namah: Dasvidanya. Didn't hear you come in. Greetings, and welcome to Ask Namah Calah!

    Klak asks, "If you discovered that your future involved you becoming a psychopathic maniac, what would you do?"

    Namah: To an extent, the future is now. *Wink*

    Namah: Yes.

    D-Klak asks, "How do magnets work?"

    Namah: They run on the essence of dead trolls, that's how they work.

    Namah: *Flips the bird*

    Question Three: "I have two girls I really want to get serious with, but I can't decide. Should I go with the girl I've known all my life? Should I go with the girl who's practically saved my life? Should I date neither and continue crying myself to sleep while staring at their yearbook photos?"

    Namah: You'll do none of the above. *Devil voice* You shall send them to me.

    Namah: *Back to normal* Yes.

    Question Four: "Does Lilith actually need her glasses, and do you have to wear them anytime, as well?"

    Namah: ...If this is who I think it is, you really need to let go of your fixation on my sister. Anyways, I think she mostly needs them for schoolwork. As for the second part of your question...The fact is, I cannot read any modern languages. *Shiver* Thanks for opening old wounds, you cold b@stard. *Sob*

    Namah: *Calmed down* Yes.

    Question Five: "There's a fly in the window, a dog in the yard, and a year since I saw you. There's a trunk in the corner, I keep all my letters, my bills and demands I keep too. Well I can't help thinkin' about the time, you were a wife of mine! You aimed to please me! Black-eyed-peas-me! Made Elderberry Wine!"

    "Do you like homemade ravioli?"


    Namah: *Face lights up* Yes, I love homemade ravioli! You're so nice for asking!

    ...

    Namah: This is Namah Calah saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until you ask it."

    *She goes back to reading*

    ~ ~ ~

    Credit to Doug Walker
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    Re: Ask Namah Calah

    Post by Zev the Reveler on Thu Jul 07, 2011 2:53 am

    Namah: *Reading with her pipe*

    *She abruptly looks up and smiles*

    Namah: Konbanwa. *Bows gracefully* Didn't hear you come in. Greetings, and welcome to Ask Namah Calah!

    Question One: "If you can't read any languages, why do you always have that book?"

    Namah: Aha, you think you've got me. But I said modern languages. This book is actually written in hieroglyphics.

    Namah: The falcon and circle represent the sun. The frog represents good fortune and fertility. The unified crown represents total divine command. And the two circles with the dots inside of them - We~ll I think that's self-explanatory.

    Namah: Don't question me. You'll just be wrong everytime.

    Namah: *Holds pipe's opening against her nose, the rest pointed down* I'm an elephant.

    Namah: Bruuuuuppphhh. Pff, pff. *Takes pipe away* Yes.

    ...Riiight. Question Two: "Why do I always cry when I'm peeling and cutting onions?"

    Namah: Because you don't have the stomach for peeling someone's skin off and then chopping them into bits. Oh yes. Onions are alive. And they also have the abilities of "Hyper Empathy," kinda like Ed. They can freely send out their emotions to seek help.

    Namah: Very few people have ever realized this. So many onions could have been productive members of society. Instead, they died a terrible death of having their skin peeled off, getting chopped up, and being boiled. They felt the whole thing.

    Namah: ... ... ...

    Namah: Just kidding. I'm pretty sure it's chemicals or something in them. Just try keeping them chilled before you take a knife to them.

    Namah: Yes.

    Question Three: Why is Pi square? Why isn't it circle?

    Namah: Because Pi refers to the square root, not a circle, and square pies taste horrible. They're filled with tangents and cosines and medians, totally unpleasant. That way, nobody will ever bake them. Thus, we can always tell the difference between the two pies.

    Namah: What a horrible question. Yes.

    Question Four: Why are you spending so much time with Pitou lately?

    Namah: Oh my God you need to see his [Heyyo!] to understand. He just [Aw Snap!]s and [Oh Naw-Aw!]s in my [Can't Say That!] until I -

    Namah: ... ... ...

    Namah: I mean...He has a lot of fine literature and cool manga.

    Namah: *Whispers* It's both.

    Question Five: Where HAVE all the flowers gone?

    Namah: They've been sent to the new Impel Down facility. These are some evil flowers. They went around coercing rhubarb bushes and ganging up on vegetables to beat them up. Those high-and-mighty berries and fruits were in on it. I just know.

    ...

    Namah: This is Namah Calah saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until you ask it."

    *She goes back to reading*

    ~ ~ ~

    Credit to Doug Walker
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    Re: Ask Namah Calah

    Post by Kon on Thu Jul 07, 2011 3:30 am

    Hahaha! I read all of them, and LOLed like crazy. Great work Zev, keep it up!


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    Re: Ask Namah Calah

    Post by Heat on Thu Jul 07, 2011 3:33 am

    .....Ancient Egyptian porn? Shocked


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    Re: Ask Namah Calah

    Post by Zev the Reveler on Thu Jul 07, 2011 3:51 am

    Thank you both~

    Here's the last episode for a while:

    ~ ~ ~

    Namah: *Reading with her pipe*

    *She abruptly looks up and smiles*

    Namah: Wǎnshàng hǎo. *Bows politely* Didn't hear you come in. Greetings, and welcome to Ask Namah Calah!

    Question One: Oh where, oh where has my little dog gone?

    Namah: He's gone the way of Ol' Yeller. He's tending a cow, and a pig, and a buncha chickens on the other side of the river right now. Alfalfa's there, too. *Sigh*

    Namah: ... ... ... *Wipes a tear from her eye* ... ... ...

    Namah: Just kidding. I took him to the vet to get his worm shots for you. I'm amazed people can dress themselves in the morning without me being there.

    Namah: Yes.

    Question Two: How much of this show is an act?

    Namah: Why were you suprised you never saw the stranger? I'm getting paid to be even snarkier and moodier than usual. The best gig ever. They're paying me in candy, manga, and Pokemon trades. B!tchin' all the way.

    Namah: ... ... ...

    Namah: I think I forgot what I was talking about. Oh well.

    *She gently kisses her pipe and pats its wrought ebony with love*

    Namah: ... *Scowl* Peep show's over. Next question.

    Ummm...Right. Question Three: Why do you never hear the audience come in? That could be something serious. Do you need to have your hearing checked?

    Namah: *Cups hand to ear* What's that you say?

    Question Four: Mustakrakish the Lake Troll or Trogdor the Burninator?

    Namah: Derpy Hooves, My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.

    *A faraway look appears in her eyes*

    Namah: Because as you know, unicorns are the true messengers of Satan. Maybe. I need to do more research on that. I just like Derpy Hooves. And she's only shown up in the background...Ahem. No. I mean...Yes.

    Question Five: Why?

    Namah: Why not?

    Excellent point.

    ...

    Namah: This is Namah Calah saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until you ask it."

    *She goes back to reading*

    ~ ~ ~

    Credit to Doug Walker.
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    Re: Ask Namah Calah

    Post by Zev the Reveler on Fri Jul 08, 2011 7:19 am

    Namah: *Reading with her pipe*

    *She abruptly looks up and smiles*

    Namah: Shalom. Didn't hear you come in. Greetings, and welcome to Ask Namah Calah!

    Question One: Why have you been called "The Pink Terror" before?

    Namah: Oh, that's simple. I hated my dad and was locked up 22 hours a day if I was lucky enough to spend anytime outside of my room, so I filled his executive suite with a glorious hellblaze of Troubling Unchildhood Behavior whenever the chance arose.

    Namah: Plus, I love playing pranks. Quite resourceful at it. Shoving frogs down people's shirts, turning up someone's radio as high as I can before they turn it on when I know they're going to be listening with headsets, and of course, prank phone calls.

    Namah: There was also that one Harvest Festival years ago where I dressed as a nun and told my dad that I'd found religion and wanted to talk about God and doing good. He fainted like an old woman who had just caught her grandson watching some naughty tentacle goodness.

    Namah: Best Harvest Festival ever. We laughed, we joked - Actually, no we didn't. He was traumatized and couldn't speak for hours. That made it the best Harvest Festival ever. If I ever return, I'll pack my Devil Girlie outfit for the Harvest Festival. Heh.

    Namah: ... ... ...

    Namah: What? Can't I answer a question about myself truthfully? Blah. *Sticks tongue out at the camera*

    Question Two: Why not, Brain?

    Namah: *Deadpan* Because Pinky, I don't think they'll have pants in our size.

    *She spins the pipe around artistically*

    Question Three: What do you smoke in that pipe? Tobacco, or illegal substances of indeterminate origin?

    Namah: Neither. You see, I smoke more pipes. I chop them up into little pieces, reduce them to a fine dust in a blender, and smoke them in this pipe.

    Namah: Why do I do this? Simple. I get extremely bored extremely easily.

    Question Four: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

    Namah: 3.4419 kg. I've done the research. Don't question my logic.

    Question Five: If the sky's the limit, why are there footsteps on the moon?

    Namah: I don't know how you survived Earth's destruction, but screw you, buddy.

    *She chomps down savagely on the pipe with a huff*

    ...

    Namah: This is Namah Calah saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until you ask it."

    *She goes back to reading*

    ~ ~ ~

    Credit to Doug Walker
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    Re: Ask Namah Calah

    Post by Yenot on Fri Jul 22, 2011 8:41 am

    Zev, my man, my daily dose of hahas has been met through this
    Congratulations, I have to save all my comics and such for tomorrow, hope you are happy with yourself.
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    Re: Ask Namah Calah

    Post by Zev the Reveler on Sun Jan 15, 2012 11:49 am

    Namah: *Reading with her pipe*

    *She abruptly looks up and smiles*

    Namah: Yoroshiku onegaishimasu. *Bows politely* Greetings, and welcome to Ask Namah Calah!

    Question One: Why do feet smell and noses run?

    Namah: It's simple. Feet stink so bad they can sniff it out without noses, and feet also smell so bad that noses run to get away, even though they don't have feet!

    Namah: You know, there's an old procedure I know of for ridding yourself of the stench when it gets ripe.

    Namah: TAKE A SHOWER.

    Question Two: The cats in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon, when're you coming back home, Dad, when are you coming back home?

    Namah: Gee, I don't know. Maybe your dad is too busy IGNORING POLITICIANS TO PLAY SOLO MINI-GOLF AND/OR BANGING HIS SHE-DEVIL CONCUBINE OF AN ADVISOR [i]LIKE MINE WAS!![/u]

    Namah: Yes.

    Question Three: Do dreamkeepers have different colors of blood? What color is your blood? Can you show us?

    Namah: ...Ravat...Is that you...? *Pales slightly*

    Question Four: WHO LET THE DOGS OUT

    Namah: Maybe it was my name is WHO? My name is WHAT? My name is Slim Shady.

    Namah: Then again, maybe the dog-catcher wanted to turn over a new leaf.

    Namah: Or maybe that was just a sh!t song.

    Namah: We may never know. *Shrug*

    Question Five: What were your first words when you heard Zev sing?

    Namah: "Mm-hmmm. Take us to the mountain, big man. Mmm-mm-mmmmm..."

    Namah: ...

    Namah: Now, let me see if I can offend as many of my possible viewers as possible...

    Namah: ...What's the most offensive thing I could say...Gimme a minute.

    Namah: ...

    Namah: ...Dragon Ball: The Movie. *Smirk*

    Heheheh. High school.

    Namah: Heheheh.

    ...

    Namah: This is Namah Calah saying, "There's no such thing as stupid question until you ask it."

    *She goes back to reading*

    ~ ~ ~

    Credit to Doug Walker


    Last edited by Zev: Bard of Rage on Wed Jan 18, 2012 8:32 am; edited 2 times in total
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    Re: Ask Namah Calah

    Post by Klak on Tue Jan 17, 2012 2:25 pm

    Doug Walker? Like the Nostalgia Critic? ZOMG AWESOME!

    Yes, DragonBall: The Movie is offensive. Pretty good chapter, though you should work on length and add a bit more types of humor (as opposed to "I'm evil. Bite me").

    *gives Zev two cents*


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